(If you haven’t already, be sure to read the review of Issue 1 of Nights Into Dreams, Series 2, otherwise you’ll have no idea what’s going on!)

And so, after much time, we finally return to Nights Into Dreams. This time, we’re covering issue #2 of the second series, and this one’s going to be just as unpleasant as the first. Why? Once again, we return to the cover.

Oh my GOD. Where do I even begin? I guess we could start with Lo-Pan on the left, who looks like he shriveled up in the sun. And then got into a roller coaster accident. It gets worse with Reala’s wacky fingers flailing over the really tiny and buff terrorists perched on the old guy’s collar. The children are easily the most well drawn things on the cover, even though they’d probably look better if you drew them with a chainsaw dipped in fudge.

Well, this is issue 2 out of 3, after all. Might as well get it over with. Let’s get started.

Page 3 begins the issue proper, and-

Well, this is dark. Nights being kept in a basement by a brutish oaf. That isn’t disturbing at all. Then again, any atmosphere this may have caused is ruined by the narrator, who prattles about what happened in the last issue that led up to this situation. He also implores you to keep reading to find out what happens next, which comes off as pretty pathetic to me. I hate it when stories beg me to keep turning their pages. It’s just like hiring a really insecure prostitute.

Meanwhile, we cross over to the Twin Seeds police station, where Elliot and Claris got dragged for skipping school EXACTLY ONE TIME. They start explaining what they saw last issue, all the while finishing each other’s sentences like a cute couple. (HINT HINT.) This pisses off the chief and makes smoke blow out of his ears. (Yes, I literally mean that.)

Just then, two captured terrorists from that R.E.M group are pushed into the police station. Tagging along is Lieutenant O’Lawful, the redhead from last issue. She tells the officer escorting the terrorists to place them in a holding room where she can interrogate them. The officer asks, “Anything else, Lucy?”

Lieutenant Lucy O’Lawful. Wow, that’s pretty damn creative. Man, you didn’t even TRY to hide your crappy reference! And of course, Xena here is your typical “tough female cop who has to something to prove to the boys”, an angle that doesn’t really work when you prance around in a tight miniskirt. I’d say it’s fanservice, but she’s drawn so badly that I don’t know what body part you’re supposed to rub one out over.

So the terrorists tell Xena what they know. Apparently there’s something dangerous about the Twin Seeds Tower, so R.E.M. took it over to protect the entire town. (Because, you know, in this country terrorist activities are seen as a force for good.)

It still takes Xena about thirty seconds to decide that she can’t get any good information out of the terrorists. “I don’t even know what R.E.M. STANDS for!” she huffs. This prompts a damn TANK to bust through the wall and announce:

…”Ruthlessly Extreme Measures”? THAT’S what it stands for? It’s not because it’s a reference to REM sleep, it’s something that’s actually STUPIDER? That’s probably the worst acronym I’ve ever heard for a group of soldiers, and I’ve seen someone name a group “B.A.M.” for “Big Ass Motherfuckers!”

So, even if you ignore the fact that a TANK just broke in, the thing sprouts extendable robo-arms. As one of them grabs Xena, a police officer shouts:

Right up the butt, judging by that silhouette! Kinky.

The cop swings his gun on the tank, but the police chief rushes in and stops him, saying that he might accidentally shoot Xena. The tank grabs the terrorists, drops them inside some compartments, and chugs away after dropping the lieutenant. The chief pulls her up and says:

Man, you’re a local police force-you’re not even supposed to be fighting NORMAL terrorists! And these guys have TANKS. This is a situation where you stand back and say, “Okay, Superman, you can take it from here!”

Meanwhile, we switch back over to the dream world (Nightopia), where Reala is blowing up crap with finger lasers. Apparently, while Nights is weakening in the real world, Reala grows more and more powerful. This is a problem to some of his fellow nightmare creatures.

But it’s okay – Reala just kills them anyway.

We jump again to above Twin Seeds, where two Nightopian fairies named Snuze and Napp (GET IT?) are flying to Twin Seeds Tower. This is because the energy Nights is losing is making its way towards the spire of the tower. Why? I guess it’s heading back to the dream world or something. Looks like it’s gonna leap off to me, but hey. Maybe it wants to be reborn as solar power.

We jump AGAIN to Elliot and Claris, who had fled the station while the tank was causing trouble. Suddenly, they get another vision telling them where Nights is being kept. How do they know one’s coming? Um…they see sparkles.


We jump YET AGAIN to a random warehouse. (Jeez, this thing’s bouncing all over the universe.) Inside, the R.E.M. agents have gathered in front of what looks like a jungle gym while some random chick cusses them out.

Hey, well said, Riddler.

Anyway, the chick presses a button on her jungle gym and the thing starts contracting into itself while-

Okay, stopping again. I know I told you guys that the art was gonna suck in this comic, but I had to point this out. Just LOOK at how badly those faces are drawn. I don’t even know what the hell that chick is doing. Is she blowing a bubble or loading up a NERF ball? And what’s up with that guy picking his nose? He looks like he stuck his finger into his brain and went, “Eeeew, somebody already chewed this gum!”

So when the machine FINALLY stops retracting, it has somehow become a “dream-bomb”. What does it do? We never find out. You don’t even need a dream-bomb to begin with. Just get Simon Cowell on board, he’ll crush dreams all by himself.

Anyway, we move back to Twin Seeds Tower, where Xena enters the office of the tower owner (Mr. Weiss) and tells him that the terrorists have escaped her custody. This makes Weiss stammer, so Xena says:

So you won’t let anyone call you a lady, yet you consider yourself a “big girl”? You might want to rethink your labels, kid. And maybe tone down on your whole “girl power” schtick. Even Rodney Dangerfield can’t make that endearing.

After some more fruitless foreshadowing, we go over to Roger’s house, where Elliot and Claris-


Seriously, what’s with all the wonky perspective in this comic? I wouldn’t be so concerned if it was DONE WELL, but as always, it comes off looking ridiculous.

Anyway, Elliot and Claris meet up with Snuze and Napp (whom they know from the first miniseries). The fairies say they’ll distract Roger while the teens find Nights and get him out of there. This won’t be so hard, since Roger’s playing on his computer.

Then again, he might be playing World of Warcraft, which some gamers will play even while engulfed in a typhoon.

After Snuze and Nepp knock out Roger with a whiff of magic sleeping dust, they fly downstairs to let Elliot and Claris inside. The fairies lead the teens to Roger’s basement, and within its depths, they discover the unconcious form of Nights!


And that’s the end of Issue 2. No fanfare or anything. It’s just the kids finding their magic fairy in someone’s basement. (God, that sentence hurt. And I was really looking forward to having children.)

Fortunately, this stupid story is almost over. Next time, we’ll be tackling Issue 3 – the final issue of Nights Into Dreams, Series 2! Until then, get some protection, Namath. It’s gonna be one hell of a ride.

For more of TheHelldragon check out his website: http://www.giantrobotinvasion.com/